The Manual on the Preparations for Discovering the Land of Lithuania

(dedicated to F. who is coming to visit)

BEFORE THE FLIGHT (packing tips)

There are certain things that cannot be found in one or another country (due to different markets and stuff) but as people travel, they discover things in other countries that they would want their markets to offer, too. However, as this is not always the case, there are certain things that I need from Britain, and want to use you as a tool to get them:

 • Thai Curry Paste (Red). Can be found at Tesco’s on High St. (the one we bought the wig at). You’ll see it on the shelf that has different sauces. Should say “Original Thai Curry Paste” on the label (NOT the ‘Pataks’ brand). Costs £2.05 if my memory serves me right;

• Maltesers. Comes in different shapes and sizes, so just grab whichever is available;

• Stowford Press. A can will do (hopefully they are available in cans, if not there’re always bottles). Don’t repeat my mistakes trying to find it in London;

• Everything you can ever find about immigration into the UK after 2004 (for my thesis). Keep an eye on it constantly, please. Maybe one day you’ll decide to visit your mum at work, and then you just type in the word “immigration” into the library’s online catalogue and copy whatever is relevant. I will never ever forget this sacrifice should you get round to actually doing it.

 • Don’t forget your phrase book so you can surprise me again with your interwar Lithuanian.

 

AT THE AIRPORT + ON THE PLANE 

 

pic from transp.lt

There are things that can only be experienced on the route UK-Lithuania or UK-Poland, so please prepare for those psychologically:

• If people at the check-in are hyper-friendly to you, don’t be surprised: you might be the first passenger on this flight to speak English;

 • If you see that you only have one suitcase while all others around you are paying for extra luggage, don’t get scared – they might have bought every second item from PRIMARK and are now transporting them home;

• If you hear songs in a language similar to Russian being played on the plane, keep in mind that it is Russian. Lithuanians are probably listening to the Russian Radio after the announcement just said “switch off all your electronic equipment”;

• If you don’t understand the pilot when he is murmuring his standard speech, don’t worry. Normally you can’t understand him when he does this bit in Lithuanian either. Basically he’s just saying that you will now fly through Amsterdam, then Berlin and Poland;

• If they don’t even bring you a glass of water for free, don’t make much fuss about it. That’s Lithuanian Airlines. If they do, however, let me know and I will apologize for my ignorance;

• Don’t be surprised if you’re the last one to unfasten your seat-belt before getting off the plane. Everybody else will have done it long before the seat-belt sign is off. That’s how excited they are to be home!

• If you say “hello” to the airport official who is checking your passport and they don’t show any reaction, don’t be surprised: you got off in the right country.

UPON ARRIVAL

• Don’t try and excuse your general laziness and tiredness by jetlag – time difference is only two hours;

• Don’t be afraid of my parents and please “don’t feel uncomfortable” around them. Give them a box of Maltesers and they will be more than happy;

• My dad used to speak very good English 20 years ago but doesn’t really realize that it’s gotten a bit worse. Please try not to ruin his beliefs. My mum is a German interpreter/translator/teacher, so she strongly believes that all words in German and English have the same root. When she asks you a question in a German grammatical construction or attaches some English ending to a German word, just pretend it is all fine and ask me if you really didn’t understand something. My sister has just graduated from high school and done her A levels, so her English is good but if she doesn’t know the difference between “fizzy” and “fuzzy” try not to laugh;

• Don’t be shy, always say “sorry” and “thanks” (even when it’s not needed) and thus confirm our stereotypes about the English;

• When you see our cat, start stroking it immediately, so my mum can say: “oh the British have always preferred pets to people”;

• When my mum starts saying all these embarrassing things about me, just calmly nod your head and say: “Nobody is perfect, we the British know that by now.”

• Don’t be afraid to share your impressions about things you find “a bit weird” on the streets and all over the place.